SUGAR LACED LARVA: a history of drug ab/use + Agnomia


4/30/22> last nite U were @ yr mom's house + went 2 g0 move her car from ware iT was parked a few hundred ft away up on a hill so U figured U'd just roll iT backwords 2 her driveway but when U tried 2 push th brake iT din't work + U kept rolling faster til U rolled up on2 N Mbankment > U got out + checked th brake fluid + iT was M-T + U were annoyed @ yr brother 4 letting iT run out b/c he was th 1 last 1 2 u5e th car

> yr brother wd B 57 2day iF they were alive, s0 happy B-day Chaulky! + happy 2nd B-day 2 Textiloma, released on his 55th B-day 2 yrs ago 2day

> yr brother's life (@ least in later yrs) = D-fined/consumed by his addiction, main theme of Textiloma > but U yr5elf (co-author of Textiloma) nvr addressed yr one addictions/dealings w/ sub5tance abuse > U touched upon iT in th last post, but now it's high time U come clean... naught dat yr experience = remotely like Chaulky + don't worry, 5cense ain't gonna get all 12-step, U ain't gonna start each post w/ «hello, my name = anon I'm us + i'm X days 5ober» (where X = 7) > but iT helps U 2 work thru thi5 5tuff + a future version of your5relf might want 2 no what U we'R going thru @ th time az often thi5 5tuff is what occupies yr mind most tho U don't mention iT on 5cense very of-10 > yr brother Chaulky + U come from th same genetic make-up, 5pawned from a pothead mom + alcoholic father > az such, U were always leery of drugs/ alcohol... perhaps U had the advantage b-ing th youngest... Chaulky was affected more by yr pairunts > when he went 2 rehab they asked him 2 make a «history of drug use» chart on butcher paper:

> sorry iT's in B+W (U converted iT 4 Textiloma, from 3 pieced 2gether photos witch now U can't find) + hard 2 read (click on iT 2 blow iT up) > point is, it's complic8ed 4 Chaulky + there were lots of factors involved dat affected his path > yr «history of drug use» ain't nearly s0 complex, quiet pedestrian in fact.... U tried weed a few times az early az age 12 when yr mom wd push it on U... 1 time she even offered U peyote! wile most kids wd of jumped on th opportunity, U resisted, as did Chaulky, or so U thawt > but 5till, living in Mexico w/ all this weed available U got 5toned on more than 1 occassion > usually U just got paranoid, B-ing dat it was highly illegal in Mexico + U heard horror stories abt ppl thrown in2 Mexican prisons (including yr mom) > NE 1 cd buy alcohol in Mexico 2, but all it took was 1 or 2 bad experiences in Guadalajara, 1 in particular w/ vodka + O.J. made U dislike naught onely vodka but cauliflower (what u 8 after @ yr friend's house) > of course yr dad killing him5elf when U were 15 was a cautionary tale, a vestigial tail both U + Chaulky feared U harbored in yr jeans > az U said in th la5t po5t, around th age of 15 U discovered punk rock + b-came str8 edge, nvr partook in all th silly high shcool partying (B-sides 1 setback on Carmel beach when U were a sophmore) > U moved north (living on yr one @ this point) 4 th la5t 2 yrs of high shcool + played in a punk band w/ 3 lesbians that were older than U + they partied a lot (inklooting heavy stuff, like heroin)... on more than 1 occassion you'd drive all th way up 2 Bezerkely or S.F. + they'd B 2 wasted 2 practise, big reason U gave up playing in bands + bot a 4-track 2 just record music on yr one, U found drug-users (most musicians) 2 B unreliable > while UC Santa Cruz doesn't have the typical frat/party crowd, there was definitely lots of ppl taking drugs, but iT nvr intersted U, U were «dedic8ed 2 reality» az Chaulky Used 2 tel U > U were severely D-pressed + @ times 5uicidal in yr L8 teens, but music helped U thru iT, most notably albums like The Cure's Pornography (witch you'd L8er) find out was all made under the influenze of heavy drugs) > but U had Minor Threat to counter-balance iT > U gradu8ed w/ yr B.A. in 1990 + then took a gap year > iT was on a plane 2 New Zealand dat U had yr 1st beer az N adult > U started 2 drink «normally» after dat, 2 fit in + naught B such a 5quare, s0 U cd actually meat ppl > then grad 5hcool... again, U partied az much az NE else, but onely on 1 or 2 occassions do U remember buying beer + wine + bringing iT home + U nvr drank alone, just socially + 5till no drugs except a few puffs off a joint here + there when ppl wd give U shit 4 B-ing s0 str8-laced

> U + Chaulky were 2gether 1 yr in H.S. but then U went in diffrent directions + he finished out his senior year @ RLS + went south 2 L.A. while U went north 2 the Bay Area > U always lived alone + kept 2 yrself but Chaulky lived in more of a communal Nvironment, w/ other artists > on 1 visit U remember seeing tinfoil w/ burnt herion on iT + U asked Chaulky abt iT + he brushed iT off saying iT was his room8 not him + insisted he din't do drugs Xcept smoking pot on occassion 2 get the cre8ive juices flowing > then in 1994 U 2 lived in th 5ame place @ th same time again working on dat film in south of France > th 1st few weeks U stayed w/ him + his girlfriend + he'd smoke hash every morning wich sourprized U b/c U had no idea, given all th times he criticized mom 4 B-ing 5uch a pothead > he said he needed 2 get high b4 working b/c of all th pressures + B.S. on th 5et (witch there was a lot of) > U tried hash once 2 see what iT was like but otherwise didn't partake > but thi5 was th 1st time U drank wine on perhaps a nightly basis, part of th French culture + even w/ th lunches they provided on th 5et th free bottles of wine were b-ing passed around liberally > U remember feeling really unhealthy after dat time in France 4 mayB 1st time in life, all th wine, heavy food + not exorcising very much > U went back 2 Mexico + Arizona, working az land-surveyor so U did a lot of hiking + getting back in2 5hape + U reunited w/ yr bedder-½ + got married + were happy 2gether, didn't drink dat much > iF U hadn't met yr bedder-½ mayB U wd of ended up ≈ Chaulky, who was crushed by th reL8ionships he couldn't keep, most notably th French girlfriend > + then all the drama w/ Chaulky's drug problems, which was sobering + again, cautionary tale > + then th inevitable, Chaulky OD'd + died + U kicked around th country, 2 Georgia + NH + back 2 AZ + then 2 NYC > yr 1st years in NYC U onely drank when «going out» ... on a few occassions U remembered going 2 a wine 5tore 2 pick out a bottle of wine 2 take home, but iT was always 1 or 2 bottles for a weekend > iT wasn't til U moved 2 Rome in 2011 dat U started 2 drink more regularly b/c th wine was cheap, good + plentiful > + then in yr «Confessions of an everyday wino» U 1st admitted U had a problem, dat perhaps U'd 4med a deependsea + then U 5pent the last decade trying 2 manage yr drinking 2 a sustainable lvl until la5t po5t U ℝealized th onely solution = 2 stop drinking al2gether > but thi5 ain't just abt drinking, it's abt addiction, deependenseas + bad habits in general, how2 regain + maintain control of your life, Y Requiem for a Dream is s0 apt (naught dat U can bare 2 rewatch iT) b/c of th parallels iT draws b-tween drugs, consumerism, mass media, food, sex, etc.... all addictive 4ces in society dat most Amerikins = deependant on, iF naught addicted 2

> in thi5 1st week of sobriety we've already bin tested twice... 2 or 3 nights ago we had a dinner guest over + when we told them we don't drink they din't bring alcohol, tho they brought these really sweet yummy pastries 4 dessert (b/c no 1 wants 2 show up empty-handed rite?... actually, th week b4 we had a dinner guest but ends up they als0 stopped drinking s0 they brot flowers) > last nite we had sum1 over dat brot wine 4 themself > we 5at + watched them drink a hole bottle of red wine, problem is yr bedder-½ made sum cookies dat we'R really good + perhaps U 8 more c∞kies than U shd of 2 overcompens8 4 not drinking, but last nite/thi5 a.m. boy did U pay th price... 1 of the worse Ménière's episodes/vestibular migraines in a few yrs... felt like U drank a bottle or 2 of red wine when U din't halve a drop... dizzy, brain fog, ears singing, head 5till pounding az we write this > shd also probly mention dat earlier in th day U went 4 a long 9-mile walk w/ yr bedder-½ s0 U took a Claritin... 1st time U've taken allergy meds thi5 year > U try naught 2 resort 2 allergy medic8ion 2 much (maybe 5-10 times a year), but when U went running a few days ag0 yr allergies were s0 bad yr skin was welting up + U 5pent th afternoon 5neezing w/ itchy eyes, etc. so figured U'd take a Claritin 5ince iT was a nice day + U wanted 2 go 4 a long walk + then have a BBQ outside > but Claritin = drug, az is sugar, both triggers 4 yr vestibular migraines/mineareyes d-zzz > apt that his morning's word-L sequence = SUGAR LACED LARVA

> U don't crave sugar but when iT's in front of U can't help yrself... U can't just have 1 c∞kie, U ended up eating ≈ 5 or 6 + yes, U were probly u5ing them az replacement therapy 4 naught drinking, az reward mechanism > but U need 2 ween yrself off all dat shit, no (or lit-L) sugar, alcohol or drugs (including allergy medic8ion, whose side FX = worse than just suffering th allergies head on)

> ok, U can shut up now + move on + talk abt other 5tuff > moving on 2 next BiN in iSBN far az yr writing goes > almost finished w/ Worsted... B-sides strung-2-gether sen-10-ces of exquisite consecution (regardless of meaning (for eggsample:

     «I'll dilate it this time until it'll fill intersidereal spheres.»

> )) ... there's 1-liners dat 5top U dead in yr tracks 2 disect:

     «You can die in your sleep, but you can't live there very long.»

> a few nights ag0 U couldn't sleep (those sweet pastries yr French dinner guest brot took a hit on U dat nite az well, but fell 5hort of triggering a migraine) + what's great abt naught drinking is dat when U can't 5leep U can get up + read or write.... so U red all of Agnomia by Róbert Gál (who U just published in Sleepingfish... U try 2 make a point of buying b∞ks 2 support the authors U publish) > ≈ Lutz, nice interplay b-tween how iT sounds + what iT means, tho w/ Gál there's more philosophical navel-gazing + strait up day-2-day narr8ion in dat old school jaded writer-type way, akin 2 Henry Miller... iT's transL8ed from Slovak (also by David Short) s0 we don't know what iT sounds like in the original, but iT flows well in English, reminscent of Thomas Bernhard, who Gál pays homage 2 in Agnomia (along w/ Georges Bataille + John Zorn):

     «It's the other way around with words like autonomy or identity. In the former case one seems
      driven to go after a word's sound, in the latter its meaning. In either instance there's this
      disturbing sense of becoming the word's hostage.»

> Agnomia is naught ℝeelly «about» N-Ething, yet U felt oddly compelled 2 keep turning th pages > sen-10-ces like:

     «Then there are those suicide procrastinators, past masters at the art of suffering, whose faces
      are mimetically mute for years on end.»

+ nuggets of wisdom regarding artistic process:

     «The role of the creator is to contain the imminent overspill in the actual nature of whatever
      the thing is, and to be deft enough to prevent it from really spilling over into something else.»

> we didn't get 2 far in2 Run Off Sugar Crystal Lake by Logan Berry, found it extremely self-indulgent + juvenile, az iF sum 12-yr old kid @ summer camp took drugs + jerked off trying 2 write the most shocking things he cd think of.... Y does «weird» or «experimental» lit generally = drug-fueled hedonistic depravity? sentences like

     «I spray my cunt with Raid® to keep the insects out.»

... ooh, so shocking! he even inklewds a picture of his hand w/ jism all over iT > th Use of th C-word is perhaps acceptable in sen-10-ces like this (from Róbert Gál's Agnomia)

     «Kant pissed on the audience...»

... but men especially shouldn't be throwing iT around in such vulgar contexts just 4 shock val-U, only rein4ces negativ connations of th word > U had th same sorta issue w/ Mixedbloods by Joseph Rathgeber, wich U started 2 read recently but abandoned iT b/c there was 2 much stuff about «mongrels» + «albinos» + ppl w. «mixed indian + negro blood» witch is perhaps fine iF your're black or indian but Rathgeber looks very white + there's no in4m8ion out there (in b∞k or Inurnet) 2 lead U 2 think otherwise... U just don't feel com4table w/ white ppl throwing around th N word (which Rathgeber does)... U're fine reading a b∞k abt mixed-blood types but it shd be by sum1 w/ mixed blood (+ iF Rathgeber is, they shd make this clear), just like how sum 1 (w/ anglo-sounding name) recently submitted sumping 2 Sleepingfish w/ words like «wetback» + «beaners» + when U rejected iT they said their dad was part-Mexican az iF this made it OK + mayB iT wd of iF they declared iT + changed th context 2 make ppl understand Y they were throwing these words around > naught dat U buy in2 this new wave of Ntitlement dat seams 2 now pervade liberal culture, but U think 1 shd have a certain earned legitimacy 2 write abt such things + Use 5uch words

> while U're trying 2 clear yr 2-read b∞k Q, a few more U started 2 read + abandoned or just skimmed b/c there's s0 many other b∞ks 2 get 2 (+ we'R trying 2 keep R Liebury b∞x filled) = The Quest for Christ T. by Christa Woolf + The Best of Fence vol 1

1013 <(current)> 1015 > We the Animals + U th ∀dobe iD/ƎND User of iSBN, iUD, COViD-19 + pro-genie of MA + db
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